Another Man's Opinion

Online Dating for the Older Crowd January 11, 2011

If you’re in your fifties, sixties or more and deciding to try online dating, you may be in for quite a ride. Outside of the normal differences and misunderstandings between the sexes that we’ve always had, now you have people who haven’t “dated” in a billion years, give or take. In the best case, they realize they don’t know how to do that anymore and are flexible and willing to compromise and go with the flow. In the worse case, you have two people using drastically different “rule books.” You no longer know what’s “right.”

Some of these people haven’t dated since they were teenagers, before the last major feminist movements. This brings with it some confusing moments that can get quite hostile. Some have been living alone for the last decade and are extremely independent. That’s a polite paraphrasing of “I don’t need no stinking man.” Some are still married and wanting to date while they’re separated and they’re used to a whole different world than the independents.
Some want only people with their same religions and political beliefs. If you can’t finish their sentences right up front, you’re a bad match. Religious versus spiritual? You may not want to go there. Things can get pretty hot. At least they normally self-identify so you can avoid that mess.

Some want to have an endless stream of emails and phone calls. Others want a face-to-face right away. If you push for an in person meeting, noting the alternatives lack of body language and facial expressions, some go with that right away and some run because you are too “forward.”

For your first meeting, commonly referred to as a “coffee drive by,” you’ll often wind up at Starbucks or the equivalent so your investment is low and your exit can be quick if things aren’t working with either of you. At the other end of the spectrum you have those who want to have dinner at the Ritz or possibly in Paris if it’s convenient. Too bad the Concorde is no longer flying.
Then you have those who won’t give you their phone number but ask for yours. You have those who get strange when you ask about their work like that’s too personal. There’s the group that contact you but live 76 miles away and they get offended because obviously they’re worth the drive: “You decide.” Well, hell, your profile was so good and the pictures were fine; we can just get married over the phone because, obviously you’re worth it. Skip the date and those time and car expenses. Just send the moving van for her. Let’s get ‘er done. Well, you decide to try it anyway and suggest that for the first time, you meet somewhere in the middle of this geographic epic of a journey. If they’re old school enough, they may be offended at that. The man should go to them. No compromise. No discussion. No date. Next person, please.

So do you open doors for the ladies? God only knows and He’s on shaky ground. Some get upset if you do and others if you don’t and there seem to be no “tells.” Do you buy their coffee or go Dutch? Usually it’s safe to buy but not always. Get there early and get yours. She’ll come and sit if she wants you to buy. If not she’ll go over and buy her own before she sits. It’s not about the money but the flogging if you’re wrong.

On to more personal things like where do you live? I’m not talking an address early on but if you say Atlanta is where you live, you may be anywhere from next door to sixty miles away. It does make a difference at least knowing the area I may want to frequent. I’m not looking to stalk but manage time and car expenses. Things are tough out there in this economy.

What about sex? All over the place from first date all the way to “well, maybe, if we get married.” Warning: some of these daters haven’t had sex other than alone in the last decade. This alone can make for interesting times. If you do make it that far, here’s a warning: things change when you get older. If you haven’t had a date since the elder Bush was in office, you might be a bit naïve here. Older guys may not always be as turgid or quick as a twenty year old. Older women may take a while to “be prepared” and might need some alternative techniques. It’s all good, just different. If you want what comes with a young stud, prepare to declare yourself a cougar and go fishing. Just don’t expect a lot of foreplay or stimulating conversation.

“Stubborn and set in their ways” can apply to both sexes. Sometimes when you’re older you lose flexibility in things other than your limbs. In some ways you may be too stiff but in the wrong parts. (There’s a pill for that).

With all of this said, there are few ways to meet people to date that brings more candidates and there are some good with the bad. I’ve given you some things to look for and possibly avoid but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t jump in. Just do it with a bit of caution and you might just find a good match. I did once before and am looking to do so again. Good hunting for all.